A FRIEND INDEED

How to make friends as an adult

Between the ages of 18 to 25, most people tend to change drastically. Their interests, their mentality, their goals. With this change may come some or a lot of loss, depending on how big your social circle is, as you grow apart from friends and lose touch due to distance. If the reality of this makes you feel despondent, don't be. I would argue even that you should rejoice because in some way it shows your growth as a person; it would be troubling if you were the same person who held the exact same views as you did when you were in high school. I would further argue that you need this loss as it forces you to spend time truly alone, to discover your inner world.

So that's step 1; you need to lose most of your friends. I guess I should issue a disclaimer, that this is based on my personal experience of losing all my friends (maybe by choice, maybe by own toxicity, we are not here to point fingers) . But by losing all my friends I was forced to explore my creativity, if I was bored I couldn't call up a friends for chat to pass to time; I had to learn a new skill (because that is what a hobby is) or read up on a unfamiliar topic or listen to my own thoughts. And this has made me a more interesting person with even more varied interests and opinions that aren't just based on group mentality. It also helped me identify the characteristics I would like in my 'ideal' friend(s), the type of people I would enjoy hanging out with and what I would like my friendship(s) to look like.

So appreciate your state of friendlessness, be grateful for the opportunity it provides to nature self-awareness.

Having fully immersed yourself into yourself, you have a great idea of the type of people you want to make 'your' people, so write it down. Write a list of the characteristics you desire in your 'ideal' friend, like how people write list for their ideal romantic partner. Of course the people you end up creating friendships with don't have to tick all the boxes but it is a great guide to help you create friendships with people who will be a source of fun, inspiration and overall great memories.

Now that you have your list, it's onto the hard part (at least if you're an introvert like myself) of conversation. Whether you're initiating or just engaging in conversation, talking to new people can be daunting. One rule I have that helps me is that I am not allowed to review or analyse that first conversation I have with someone I am trying to create a friendship with. Granted I have observed them whether for a few minutes or a few weeks to see how they interact with other people, whether they have the characteristics I want in a friend.

When you are finally ready to approach the person, just do it (like Nike), don't think about it. You can initiate the conversation by complimenting something about their outfit like their shoes, a genuine compliment please. That can turn into a conversation about shoe designers, or colour theory or podiatry. You're a smart person so you know to ask open ended questions. And if you feel like the conversation is not panning out as you expected, the person has nothing interesting to say or you don't like their personality, it's okay to end the conversation there are more than a billion people in the world and on average 16.6 million people visit South Africa so you will definitely meet people you consider interesting eventually.

But let's say you guys hit it off and you exchange numbers, maintain communication and arrange to meet up again for a fun activity. Particularly one that allows you to talk to each other while engaging in it. A friendship is created so you both need to make an effort in this relationship, to get to know each other, to make time for each other, to build trust and show vulnerability. As with any relationship, communication is important. But the most important thing is to be your most authentic self from the jump otherwise it's not a real friendship and you will suffocate. If it doesn't work out it doesn't mean there is something wrong with you or them, you just were not right for each other.

Cheers to positive, fun-filled friendships whether short lived or life long.